Being "In Control" — The Possible and Impossible in Parenting

by Patty Wipfler

Parents are expected to stay "in control" of their lives, their children, and themselves. Some major parts of this expectation are impossible to fulfill! But because there is no way to learn parenting skills and truths ahead of time, we parents struggle and worry when we don't seem to be "in control," or when being "in control" means being harsh with our children. Let's first outline the things no parent can fully control.

• We don't have full control over our lives. Hard things can happen to us and to our children, and societal oppressions can force us into inhuman circumstances. There are things we can do to try to keep our families healthy, but we don't have full control there. There are things we can do to be able to pay our bills, but job security and earning worthy wages for working class jobs are not things we alone have the power to determine. We work at building good relationships, but many of us don't begin with the tools, support, information, or time to solve critical relationship problems. We are also up against racism, drugs, violence, and harshness on the schoolyards and the streets. By ourselves, we and our children are vulnerable to hurt and unforeseen difficulties. To blame ourselves for lack of control makes no sense. The influence we can have when we face these oppression-based or health-based hard times lies in our ability to organize with others to do what's necessary, WITH LOTS OF HELP.
  
  
• We don't have control over our children's behavior. We do have deep influence on them. How we love, cherish, and treat our children affects them moment by moment, and for the rest of their lives. But our influence doesn't mean that we can exert control over how they behave and feel. Nor does it mean that a child whose behavior is difficult comes from a parent who is not trying hard enough, or is not doing the right things. Our children are subject to difficulties because of circumstances beyond our control--their health, accidents, unforeseen encounters with people who don't care for them well, enormous stress on us, frightening incidents that couldn't be anticipated. When children are hurt by these kinds of circumstances, their behavior does reflect their fears, and they may be perceived as "difficult." But this is not the parents' fault! What's more, this "off track" behavior is a necessary signal that the child gives that she's been wounded and needs attention. As difficult as their behavior may be, we parents can be grateful that our children refuse to suffer silently when they feel too isolated or frightened or angry to think.
  
  
• In the short run, we sometimes don't have control over our own behavior. It's one of the great shocks of parenting to find ourselves yelling at or hurting our beloved children, when we never ever intended to do so. There are things they do that drive us nuts--whining, making messes, fighting with each other, using street language, "talking back" when we're trying to gain control. We each have our personal thresholds, past which lose power over our own behavior. Usually, we become very like our own parents when they were lost in reaction.
  
  
• Finally, we don't have full control over how other people feel about us or our children. We parents try hard to get our children to meet some unwritten standard of conformity, hoping that if they "act right," people will like them. In fact, we live in a society in which grownups are taught to see children as "trouble," "a problem," "extra work," "in the way," and more. This training is widespread, and no matter how fully a child may conform, those attitudes lie under the surface in many people, waiting to be triggered. We as parents need to decide, on our children's behalf, not to attack our children to please grownups who only accept children if they act like little adults. Even a child's best behavior can't cure that kind of hostile attitude. So if your child is having a healthy tantrum in front of a relative who is loudly demanding that you be harsh to her, you can simply move to a back bedroom to handle the situation, taking the time you need. Being harsh to your child on someone else's demand won't help your self-respect, it won't change that grownup's bias against your child, and it sets you against the child you love dearly.

The Goal of Being a Learner

I think goals that we parents can reasonably set for ourselves are:

• To enjoy our children
• To learn something every day
• To treat ourselves and our children like learners.

Deciding to be a learner can help take the internal pressure off of us, and off of our children. Learners have permission to make lots of mistakes, learners get to ask for help, learners often don't know what to do or how things work. Best of all, learners get to laugh (or cry) when their project turns upside down and flops in front of everyone. We understand. This is learning.

If we are learning, then we know how to be in charge of some things, and we are figuring all the rest of it out in a sometimes messy, haphazard way. As parents, some "I'm learning, not controlling" strategies can be immensely helpful.

• Actively notice what's fun, what's good, what is working well. Our minds get so fixed on the tasks at hand that we lose sight of who we like, what goes well, and the little things we learn. It may help to put a list on the refrigerator or the bathroom mirror, where a few words of what was good each day can be written down for all to see. Some families start dinner with a round of "what was good today?" so that the children get to join in, and have the chance to have the whole family listen to their experience.
  
  
• Welcome your children's feelings. Feelings are a big part of children's lives, and expressing these feelings is how children recover from the hard things, big and small, that happen to them. Crying, tantrums, and laughter all are deeply healing for children. Expressing these emotions at length gets rid of children's feelings that their lives aren't good enough. When they're finished, they regain their sense of loving and being loved. It helps if you can get close and listen to them through the stormy upsets, but if you can't, see if it's possible to keep from criticizing, shaming, hurting, or blaming them while they get the sad or the mad feelings out.
  
  
• Find a listener for your own feelings. We mothers and fathers have lots of feelings, too, which we have been taught to tuck away as if they didn't exist. Matter of fact, tucking away feelings is equated to being "in control" of our lives! The problem is that feelings don't tuck well forever. Our worries, our frustrations, our angers mount, we spend more and more effort tucking them away, and finally, they burst out when some small thing goes wrong. Often, they burst out at our children in ways we regret later. Finding another parent and setting up listening time over the phone or after the children are asleep can help relieve the burden that our feelings create. A good laugh, a good cry, a good rant about how many expectations we're trying to meet can do a lot to lighten our step and help us remember that we are good, no matter how many mistakes we make or how many answers we don't have at the moment.
  
  
• Notice what you can't figure out, and talk to others about it. There are probably 50 things a day that happen in a parents' life that he or she doesn't understand! Why won't your child willingly brush her teeth? Why is she scared of the dark? Why does your pre-teen suddenly think you're the dorkiest person he ever knew? Being open about what we don't know is an excellent learning strategy. It makes us active seekers of information and understanding. And it's also fine to be open with our children when we don't know what to do. "I don't know what to do about you refusing to help around the house. I'm thinking about it. Can we talk about it tomorrow, after I've called a couple of people to see if they have any good ideas?" is a fine approach to a problem with a child.
  
  
• Organize help. We are trained to believe that asking for help is admitting weakness. However, there are many kinds of work which are not designed for one person to do alone. Building bridges, operating a supermarket, providing intensive care nursing, and raising children are the kinds of work that can be done well only with several people organized to work toward a common purpose. When we gave birth to our children, most of us had no idea that organizing help was part of a parents' job description. We learn this, usually, by getting burned out trying to do it all ourselves, then feeling badly that we've had to "stoop" to asking for help. But any experienced parent can reassure you that every parent needs time away from their children, every parent needs others to care about their children, every parent needs people to think and talk with about the details of life with children. Every parent needs help!
  
  
• Throw expectations overboard. When you're working too hard to appreciate yourself or anyone else, throw an expectation overboard. Let the house be a mess for a couple of weeks or months or years, or don't worry about serving hot meals, or let the relatives be grumpy because you decided not to visit this month, or sleep during your lunch break, even though people at work will talk. You get to decide what's really necessary and what's not, and keeping up appearances while parenting is often a joy-killer. You have permission to let things get ragged, and still be proud of yourself, your family, and your decisions.
  
  
• Set up play that includes laughter. Children love to laugh, and when we are willing to play with them so they can laugh (without tickling them!), they become buoyant and hopeful. It's infectious. We see them wriggling with enjoyment, coming toward us for fun and lots of contact, and we can't help but be pleased. Our empty cup meant for hope begins to fill again. We have lots to learn from children about how a really good life has time for play, wrestling, chasing, where the grownups may "lose," but everyone wins back their sense that it's good to be alive.
  
  
• When you're at your wits' end, lie down on the floor for awhile. When we're frazzled, the things we do aren't usually very successful. Our children's tensions and our tensions make a knot that keeps tangling tighter. At times like these, if we "give up" for 10 or 15 minutes, and lie down on the floor, it provides enough of a contrast to the previous tense situation that we and our children can take a fresh start with each other. Sometimes we can give ourselves permission to cry, which helps release tension. Sometimes, our children come around and decide they want to be close. They sit on our tummies, or crawl under our legs, or start jumping over us for fun. Having given up the effort to be in control, we can begin to pay attention to how things are, rather than the way we want them to be. Without the effort to stay in control, it's often more possible to make workable decisions, and to like the children we have again.

Biting, Pushing, Pulling Hair—Helping Children with Aggression

by Patty Wipfler

Has your child ever lashed out and hurt someone? Has another aggressive child ever bothered him? If your answer is yes, join the crowd! Almost all of us struggle with understanding and helping our children when th0ey hurt others, and when they are hurt by other children. It's a shock to us the first time our sweet sons and daughters suddenly bite someone, or throw something at the new baby in the family. Here are some guiding principles for understanding and relieving children's aggression, so they can relax and enjoy their friends and siblings.

First, it's important to understand that children don't want to attack others. They'd much rather have fun and feel safe and loved. They play well when they feel connected.

But when children lose their sense of connection, they feel tense, frightened, or isolated. In this “emotional emergency,” they may lash out at other children. Children don’t intend to be mean. In fact, acts of aggression aren't under the child's control.

For instance, on an ordinary morning at daycare, a child’s inner voice of emotion might be saying:

Mommy's gone. She doesn't like me—she rushed me out of bed and ordered me to eat my breakfast. She cooed at the baby, but she doesn’t like me. I feel awful. Here comes Joey. He looks happy. How come he gets to feel happy?

The child is loved. She has good parents. But, feeling disconnected and alone, she may lash out.

If a child feels safe, she will show how she feels

When it feels safe enough to show their feelings, children who feel upset don't hurt anyone. They feel a bond with their parent or caregiver, and run to the nearest loved one for help. They cry, and release the knot of fear and grief they feel. The adult who listens and allows the child to "fall apart” gives the child a huge gift—enough caring and love to allow her to heal from the feelings that make life hard for her.

If a child doesn’t feel safe, she may signal for help by becoming aggressive

The child who lashes out feels sad, frightened, or alone. She doesn't look frightened when she is about to bite, push, or hit. But her fears are at the heart of the problem. Fear robs a child of her ability to feel that she cares about others. Her trusting nature is crusted with feelings: “No one understands me; no one cares about me.” If you watch carefully, you will see that this kind of feeling drains a child's face of flexibility and sparkle in the seconds before she lashes out.

Children get these feelings of isolation, no matter how loving and close we parents are. Some children are only occasionally frightened and aggressive. Other children have an abiding sense of fear and desperation that comes from circumstances beyond anyone's control. Children acquire fears from a difficult birth, medical treatments, family tensions, the unhappiness of others around them, and from the absence of loved ones. Any frightening time in a child’s past can create a tendency toward aggression.

Parents and caregivers have the power to help an aggressive child. A child’s aggression can't be erased by reasoning, Time Out, or enforcing “logical consequences.” The knot of intense feelings inside the child isn’t touched by rewards or punishment. A child’s behavior out of her control, once she begins to feel disconnected.

Step one in helping a child is to stop the aggressive behavior by moving close and offering a warm connection. Then, listening helps heal the hurt. The child will either laugh or cry, and might tremble, perspire, or struggle mightily. The adult provides a safe connection and the time the child needs to release the fear she feels. The crying and physical struggling and perspiring she does get her limbic system—the part of her brain that sounds emotional alarms when she feels frightened—back in working order by providing an outlet for those unmanageable feelings.

Here are some simple steps you can follow to help a child who becomes aggressive. These measures will, over time, drain the feelings that cause the aggression, and will help the child feel closer to you and much more flexible in her play with other children.

Know yourself and your child

Ask someone to listen to you while you talk about the feelings you have about the child’s aggression. Hurtful behavior kicks up lots of feelings—fear, anger, guilt—that freeze our warmth and make us react in ways that frighten our child further. Talking to a good listener, and offloading your own feelings, will prepare you to help your child.

Observe. Under what conditions do the child's fears overtake her? Is it when Mommy has been at a meeting the night before? When there have been arguments at home? When other children crowd close? When left to play with a sibling in a separate room? Generally, you can come up with a good guess as to when your child might lose her sense of connection and become aggressive.

Don’t fool yourself. Give up the hope that "this time it might not happen.” Mental preparation is important. If your child bites you suddenly when you're doing rough and tumble play, then every time you play this way, be mentally prepared for biting to occur.

Do a friendly but attentive “patrol” to catch the behavior as it rises

Prepare for aggression by staying close by. Move close enough to be able to reach the child quickly, should aggression begin.

When the expected behavior begins, you need to be close enough to intervene quickly and calmly to prevent a child’s hand from landing in someone's hair, or her teeth from fastening onto you, or her fist from landing on her friend. Because she's not in control of her behavior, she needs you to keep her from hurting someone. You can say something like, “I can't let you hurt Jamal,” or “Oh, no, I don't think I want those teeth any closer.” while holding her forehead a few inches above your shoulder.

Stop the behavior, then Staylisten

When you have stopped the aggression, connect. Give the upset child eye contact, a warm voice, and kind physical contact. She needs some sign that it's safe to show you her feelings. You can say things like: “I know you don't feel good,” “I'm right here and I'll keep things safe for you,” “It looks like things are hard right now,” “Please tell me about it,” “No one's mad at you,” or, ”I want to stay with you right now.”

The feelings causing the aggression will surface. The crying and fighting a child does will release the hurt that drives her off track. Don't expect your child to be reasonable. She probably won't use words to tell you how she feels. Her body language and tone while crying or screaming will speak to you. Show your caring as you let her writhe with upset. Keep both of you safe by managing her movements when you need to—a hand on her wrist so she can’t grab your glasses, or an arm around her waist so she can’t kick your legs.

While she is offloading feelings, she can’t reason. Don't lecture or explain. Even very young children know right from wrong. But when they are wild with feelings, they can’t listen to their own best thinking, or yours. After the unhappy feelings are gone, children remember, on their own, the important principles you have taught them.

If you arrive too late, decide who to listen to first

If you arrive on the scene too late, more than one child needs your help. Make things safe immediately. Put your hand on the toy soon to be thrown, or open the aggressive child's fingers to release her sister's hair.

Don't blame, shame, or punish. These actions further frighten children, and further isolate them. They add to the load of hurt that makes children aggressive.

Decide who you are going to listen to first. Both the aggressor and the victim need your help. You will be more effective if you concentrate on one child at a time, giving just a moment to the other child. Try to go to the aggressor as often as you go to the victim. Of course, the victim needs someone to check the damage done, and to care. If it's the aggressor you decide to focus on, you can tell the child who was hurt, “I’m sorry. I know that hurt. I'm going to spend a minute here with you. Then I need to see Marla and help her—she must be pretty upset to do this to you.” You might want to try keeping the crying child close to you while you attend to the aggressor child.

Do what you can to lift your child’s feelings of guilt

Understand that children who hurt others feel guilty and even more separate than before. Guilt erases a child’s ability to look like she cares. The "I don't care" look is deceiving—underneath, the child is heartbroken that she became so desperate. It also often prevents children from being able to cry about the feelings that overcame them and caused the aggression. Unless they can cry and fight those feelings away, they will continue to have trouble with aggressive impulses, so your goal needs to be to connect with them. A child who feels connected can heal her fears. A child who doesn’t feel connected can’t.

Make generous contact. It helps children connect if you tell them that you wish you had arrived soon enough to help them. You can say something like, “I'm sorry I didn't see that you were upset with Ginger. It's my job to make sure things are safe. I know you didn't want to hurt her.”

If your child can cry or tantrum at this point, healing has begun. Listen. Sometimes, your presence breaks the crust of isolation and the child’s bad feelings can pour out. The feelings that she expresses are the root cause of the problem. She may feel of anger toward you, or feel suddenly afraid of you touch and closeness. These fearful responses indicate that your child feels safe with you, and trusts you to handle her wildest, scariest feelings. Let her feeling pour out until she reaches a state of calm. She'll decide when she's done enough.

A child who can’t show feelings isn’t bad, she’s lost and isolated

Sometimes, a child who has hurt someone can't feel anything. The feelings of guilt button a child up tight. She doesn't feel safe at all. Your best course of action is to make contact with her by spending some moments—perhaps five or ten—paying attention and doing what she wants to do. This isn't rewarding your child for "bad" behavior. Instead, you are helping your child to reconnect. She has feelings she needs to offload, and in a short while, she will have an upset that gives you another chance to help. She won’t be able to find her favorite toy, or will hate how you cut her toast. The little upset gives her a chance to do the crying she couldn’t do earlier.

Do what you can to encourage closeness and create connection.

Encourage her to come to you when she's upset. Children don't do this easily when they carry a big knot of tension, but offering the idea that you want her to ask for help indicates the direction things will go in over time. After many cries she will have released some of her fears, and she will be more likely to run to you for help rather than hurt someone when she doesn’t feel connected.

Spend playtime with her and elicit laughter when you can. Connecting with a warm adult in play can be a powerful means of keeping a child’s sense of closeness alive. It's that sense of fun and closeness that will help her stay on a good track with her friends and siblings.

All in all, remember that an aggressive child is a frightened child. Don’t be fooled by the paper-thin crust of behavior that she has adopted to protect her tender heart. Something has happened to frighten her, and she’s managing as best she can. She’s waiting for someone, possibly you, to move in close and ask her what the matter is, to listen, and to tell her she’s a good child even when she feels bad.

If you’re fed up or angered by your child’s aggressive behavior, find someone who can listen to you for a time, without advice or judgment. Talk about what you feel like doing when the aggression starts up. Talk about how aggression was handled in your family growing up. Most of us feel aggressive toward our children when they show aggression toward others. Look for the thoughts that let you laugh, and the thoughts that let you cry. Follow those thoughts, and release the pent-up feelings that make you tense at the times you’re trying to intervene and connect. Sometimes, grabbing your listening partner by the shoulders and giving him or her a good shake, or pounding on the sofa, or otherwise letting your aggressive energy show, can help your feelings release. This listening work will help you stay focused on your child during difficult moments, rather than being carried away by your own tensions.

Here’s how one father helped a child with aggression:

My friend has a six-year-old, Johnny, who has recently become quite aggressive with other children. I’ve known him since he was two weeks old. He has adopted a tough, “I don’t care” attitude. He is verbally demanding, and this scares his mother and puts off other adults. It gets him in trouble in play, isolates him, and has the potential to turn into a chronic bully pattern. Sometimes he’ll yell things like, “Why don’t you just kill me!” which has confused and alarmed his family. I was invited to hang out with him for a weekend. He was happy I was there.

From the moment he woke up Saturday morning he took every opportunity to play hard. We did lots of roughhousing, wrestling, physical contests, races, hide and seek, and time on the trampoline. I tried many Playlistening strategies. I bungled my way through various games, in which he “got the best of me.” He laughed a lot. We made a good connection. Then he asked that we invite a younger neighbor friend to hang out with us. We explored the neighborhood, and ended up at a local schoolyard. He and his friend tried hard to kill some squirrels by throwing rocks at them. They laughed. I worried about the squirrels, but took the chance that they would be OK, and didn’t set limits there. The squirrels were faster than the boys.

Later, Johnny began to be bossier as he played with his younger friend. He began to show his “tough guy” behavior. Tension mounted between the boys. The younger one protested, gave in to some of Johnny’s demands, but became less and less cooperative. Finally I went over, put my arm around Johnny, and told him I wasn’t going to let him act that way. I told him that he couldn’t continue his yelling, screaming, and bullying. I knew the way he was acting did not reflect his family’s values. “That’s not a way we interact with others” was what I communicated. He protested, wanted to leave, and was upset with me. I told him I wanted him to stay with me. I reminded him that I really liked him a lot. I put my arms around him. He began to fight me, and eventually, to cry.

While he was crying, I said, “Johnny, I know you. I know you didn’t used to talk that way to other kids. I know you didn’t used to fight with them like that. I’ve never seen you act like that. What happened to make you choose to act like that?” He cried really hard for a long time, and kept fighting. I had my arms loosely around him—he would have run away otherwise. I encouraged him to push hard, to fight, and kept telling him that it was great he could use the resistance I was offering to work hard on these feelings. I kept asking every now and then, “What happened?” He kept saying, “I want my mom (who had come and was sitting close by) to hold me!” After awhile, he said emphatically, as he burst into tears, “I’m not going to tell you! Let go of me!” I responded, “Not just yet.” I stayed and listened some more—we were getting to the bottom of something. I kept gently asking what had happened, and he kept crying hard.

Then he finally told me the incident that had frightened and hurt him. Another boy had been hard on him in exactly the way he was treating his friends, and had hit him in the face. He hadn’t been able to fight for himself. He cried more, very close to me. Long hard sobs of grief came out. It ended well. He has been softer since then. Later that evening while out with another family, another young friend had big feelings about wanting his mom to take him home “right now!” Johnny was very supportive while the young friend was crying and protesting. He was very sweet and reassuring to this young one. I think he has more crying to do before he can be entirely free of the feelings that make him act tough. But we did a good bit.

—a father in Albuquerque, New Mexico

Children, Chores, and Drudgery

by Patty Wipfler

By the time children are about seven years old, most parents have begun to think, “It’s about time she did a little work around here!” and the battles begin. “When are you going to feed the dog?” “That garbage needs to be taken out right now!” “Honey, how many times do I need to ask you to make your bed!”

It’s good to expect children to take part in the work of the household. Children are quite capable, and feel a lot of pride in a job well done. But, like us, they acquire feelings about the jobs they’re expected to do. And when those feelings are negative, children can drain a lot of their parents’ emotional capital on the way to completing their household jobs.

So how can parents set it up so that children do take responsibility for the work of the household? I think there are two main keys to keeping the drudgery out of chores for parents and for children.

All work is worthy work

Our customary attitudes about household jobs can create strong allergies to chores. Because of generations of housework being done mostly by women who were underappreciated and certainly underpaid, feelings that don’t have anything to do with the actual work of cleaning or taking out the garbage get passed on to us through the generations.

Simple jobs have their simple joys: the warmth of the suds in the dishpan and the sight of a happily feasting dog, for instance. But inherited attitudes make these jobs feel like work that isn’t worth an intelligent person’s attention. So no wonder that, when we ask our children to do those jobs, they don’t respond well. Our attitude is contagious, and children catch it as soon as it becomes “their” job. We parents need to do our best to respect ourselves as we do the work of the household. We need to do our best to notice the rewards of the jobs we do. The jobs we do are necessary. Intelligent people do them. They are worth doing well. They are worth our attention.

Do the work together

Part of the problem with chores is that as we grew up, we were made to do our chores alone. So without thinking, we expect our children to do their chores alone, and on our time schedule.

Children aren’t designed for solitary work. They’re designed for fun, for collaboration, and for being noticed. They’re designed for absorbing your presence as you notice their skills and their accomplishments. Watch your four-year-old jump from the arm of the sofa into the middle of the living room carpet again and again while company is over. Watch a seven-year-old race a friend to the end of the street, and turn around to see if you noticed how fast they both went. Your child is showing you that there’s plenty of energy for tasks when they’re fun, when the child has choice about the timing, and when someone is there to see them as they do it. Praise is less important than simply being seen and acknowledged.

So getting jobs done together works much better than sentencing children to solitary work. Rather than, “Please take out the garbage,” try, “Can you grab one end of this sack? It’s really heavy!” and opening a conversation about what might be in there. Getting pairs of family members to tackle tasks together, or having one ten-minute period when everyone does something that needs to be done in the household can keep the feelings of isolation from settling in and turning jobs into drudgery.

Connect, then work

When a child has already caught the “this job is no fun” infection, the remedy can be a short Special Time to strengthen her sense of connection. None of us work well when we feel isolated or unseen. Special Time gives a child the time and the framework in which he or she will be seen, no matter what the choice of things to do.

So around of Special Time can sometimes help a child to tackle an expected job without feeling like it’s a burden. A parent’s story below illustrates how this works.

Lead your family

When children see that the family is working together toward a goal, or working together to make life better for one or more members, they are much better able to understand that doing the work of the household is a form of power. They see that their work contributes to the good of all, that they are appreciated, and that they make life better when they pitch in.

So nightly or weekly Family Meetings, in which parents share their thoughts about the good things that happened in the last week, and the challenges in the coming week, can help children understand their parents’ thinking. It gives them a place to share their own. They see that the family is a group that has direction and leadership. They see that their voices are heard, as ideas are sought on how to handle Dad’s business trip and the help Mom will need, or the fact that Grandma needs her yard tended on Saturday, while several other things need doing too. They feel part of a larger whole. They learn that the jobs aren’t isolated tasks that have to be done by isolated people. They participate in solving problems and can take pride in their contributions.

I know a family that expects each member to say one thing they appreciated about someone else each night at dinner, or to say one thing that went well and one thing that didn’t go well for them that day. The children really come through for each other and for their parents at times during these rounds of appreciations or checking in. The fact that little things are noticed by all helps the children’s perspective on their own importance.

Here’s how children’s attitudes can change

Special Time isn’t guaranteed to turn your child into an instant cleaner-upper! Nothing can promise that result. But it may help you move from trudging through your days separately into more frequent mutual cooperation. Here’s the experience of one parent whose daughter was willing to try a cleanup activity she’d always refused, after a good Special Time.

It’s funny how Special Time helps not just your kid feel more connected with you, it also helps you feel more connected with your kid. One afternoon when I was feeling somewhat down, my ten-year-old daughter asked me for some Special Time. She wanted to wrestle with me. I wasn’t quite ready to get out of my shell, but I went ahead and wrestled with her. She was terrific. We both had a great time wrestling. She decided that I was also a bouncing machine and she bounced on me. She also decided I was a rolling machine and she rolled on top of me. And, mind you, she was eighty-six pounds then, so that’s a lot of weight! It was hard to deal with all that sheer physical force and power. She was relentless and didn’t realize the strength of her own body. But it was so much fun. We laughed and laughed and laughed. And at the end of it, I was out of my shell and she had had a great time connecting with me.

I had a pile of chores to do that afternoon, including scooping a whole bunch of dog poop from the backyard and getting laundry done. For the first time, my daughter came with me to the backyard to help me clean up all the poop. She has a strong sense of smell, so this was something that had always disgusted her, but she was able to overcome her distaste for going near the poop and actually helped me do it. I showed her how to do it so that she wouldn’t have to have any contact with the poop. And she did it! Right after that, she helped with all the laundry and we folded a lot of clothes. I attributed all of this cooperation to the Special Time we had together!

—a mother in Sunnyvale, California

Ease the Transition of Moving to a New Home

by Patty Wipfler & Julianne Idleman

Whether you are moving across the country or across town, this can be a stressful time for the whole family. Here are a few things to think about as you prepare for and make your way through this major transition.

Air your own feelings so you can set an open and positive tone for the children.

You need to spend some time talking with a good listener about your own feelings about the move, positive and negative, so that as much of your psychological resources as possible are available to help the children with the transition. Voice your fears, grieve your losses, and take some time to say good-bye to the simple, beloved things you will be leaving behind.

Inoculate them with Special Time

Even the best move is stressful. And it will take a lot of your time and energy to coordinate and bring together your new home. Now, before the chaos is upon you, spend some extra Special Time with the children. Shower them with bursts of your full attention. Enthusiastically enter into play with them. Allow them to take the lead and the more powerful role in the play.

Be open to their core questions and answer affirmatively with warmth and enthusiasm.

Even before children can speak, there are core questions they ask to have answered many times each day. They are the most important and abiding questions of childhood. As they prepare for this transition, be on the look-out for these questions and be ready to remind them of your love and affirmation of their developing selves.

Children ask, “Do I belong?” when they bring us a favorite toy as we talk with another adult. They ask, “Are you glad I’m here?” when they wake at six a.m. and crawl over to us with an expectant look. They ask, “Do you see who I am?” when they make jokes by putting funny things on their heads, or when they playfully dump out a whole bowlful of blocks. They ask, “Will you keep me safe?” as they encounter dogs bigger than they are on the street. And they want to know, “Am I doing all right?” when they climb into your lap as you’re trying to catch five minutes with the newspaper at the end of the day. Your children will benefit from as much extra reassurance on these core issues as you can give them through this process.

Arrange a positive introduction

Before the move, if it’s possible, take your children to visit your new home, their new daycare or preschool, the local playground, the neighborhood grocery store, and other places they will come to know. Arrange ahead of time for them to meet friendly people. Introduce yourself to another family in the neighborhood with children near your children’s ages, and then bring your children for an introduction. Meeting a pet that lives near your new home can be helpful. If you belong to a faith-based congregation, arrange for someone there to introduce you to another family with children. The children need something, and preferably someone, to move “to” in order to balance their feelings about all they will be moving away “from.”

Empower them with special moving boxes

It’s important for the children to feel the move is something that the family is doing together, not something that is happening to them. And certainly not something they might get lost or forgotten in! You want to involve them in the process in positive ways and let them know they are included and welcome in the move. Be sure to communicate that the move belongs to them too.

Give each child a sturdy but smallish packing box. You want it to be a size that they can carry themselves if possible. Allow them to decorate the boxes and help them each put their names on their box. This is the box that will contain their special things. As much as you can, allow them to choose what goes into their box. You might suggest they include a favorite toy, a cozy blanket or pillow, a picture of loved ones, or drawings of their old and new houses. Then, let the children carry their boxes out of the old house and into the new one. These boxes remain with the children throughout the actual relocation from one home to the other. Some children keep these boxes for many years afterward.

Help them with “good-bye”

Talk to your children about what things will be like both during the process of the move and once you are living in your new home. If this brings up sad feelings, that’s OK. Let them know that you think it’s OK to feel sad about moving, that grownups sometimes feel sad about moving too, and that you are there to listen.

Give them a chance to air their other feelings as well. They might be very excited about the move and need to jump around the room with a moving box on top of their heads. They might find the idea of a move frightening, and if you feel you can finesse it, you might talk to the “Move Monster” with bravado and tell it to go away and stop bothering your little one. You might find this allows the children to blow off their anxieties in bursts of laughter. If so, you’re doing great!

Play with the concept of moving in a way that allows the children to communicate their feelings. Buy or pretend a moving truck for a family of stuffed animals and play “Time to Move” with the children. Read them stories about moving (we have a few suggestions in the Recommended Reading section). Draw pictures of things you will miss about living where you do now and practice saying “Good-bye” to those things. You might let the children help you pack the pictures in your own “Memory Box” to take along with you.

Give the children time to get grounded

Once you are in the new location, get the children back to their regular routines as quickly as practical and reinstitute your schedule of Special Time. It will take time for the reality of the move to set in for all of you. As feelings come up, tell the children that they are welcome to feel sad or angry or lonely and you will sit with them while they are upset.

Listen to how they feel. Limit behavior as needed, but maintain an air that says all feelings are welcome. Let them cry or even tremble, sweat or shake. Children know how to get upset feelings out. What they require from us is attention and the safe warmth of our love and acceptance. Upsets pass. Feelings change. Letting children fully express an upset lifts the heaviness of those feelings and allows them to return to better functioning.

Let your children spend some time making friends with the new house and yard. When you feel they are starting to get comfortable there, play Hide and Seek in the new house and discover its best hiding spots together. During the first few weeks, spend time with the children just walking through the neighborhood. Get to know what and who is where. Help the children draw a simple map of the street you live on and write in for them the names of the neighbors and household pets you meet. This “ground time” will help them develop a relationship with the new place and its inhabitants. Keep looking for opportunities to remind them that they belong with you, in your family, no matter where you live, and that you are happy they are with you.

Eliminating the Hurts of White Racism

by Patty Wipfler

Racism is one of the key issues in our world today. The economic and cultural domination of people of Caucasian descent over people of color has infected cultures the world over. People of color of varying races and backgrounds must contend, in general, with fewer resources and more limited access to power over their environments than white people. They also must do battle with disrespectful and limiting stereotypes about them that are passed down from generation to generation.

We parents have an opportunity to preserve our children's interest and delight in people, regardless of their skin color or culture. To make the best of this opportunity, we can begin by widening our view of who is hurt by racism.

In this article, I'm not going to talk about the deep damage racism does to people of color. There are numerous excellent books and resources on this subject. This article is a quick introduction to the perspective that racism hurts white people, too.

White people worldwide have been hurt by white racism, a conditioning that limits their lives and locks them into the oppressor role vis-à-vis people of color. No white person ever volunteered to become a racist. These patterns of hurt and fear are set in place when we are quite young, after we have been intimidated by adults many times to teach us "our place" as children.

Children know instinctively that each person deserves respect. But when they see the people they love acting out patterns of white racism, they are generally unable to speak up or change the situation. They must collude with it in order to keep their parents' favor. The racist actions of adults stick in the child's mind, and become patterns of behavior which they themselves fall into when they are upset or afraid.

Each white person gets hurt by white racism in a unique way, through unique incidents. But all of us play a role in the larger societal pattern, which has as its backbone the economic oppression of people of color. Racism prevents white people from getting accurate information about other people, and makes 
white people afraid of great numbers of people. White people are also severely isolated by racism. It corrals them into a very narrow world, the boundaries of which are enforced by an automatic, unthinking "we are better than" or "we don't go near" attitude that flares any time a white person is afraid.

White people can help each other get free of racist patterns and habits of thinking. Listening and decision are the keys to the cell door. The listener's main job is to lift feelings of guilt around racism, so that the isolation and fear that keeps racist behavior in place can drain. Every white person feels guilty about times he or she has failed to interrupt racist behavior. That guilt prevents people from being able to simply cry about the hurtful things that have happened, or express outrage about the mistreatment they have witnessed. The decision to act outside racist isolation is also vital to getting free, so goals need to be set in listening sessions, to help the person chart a less confined life.

Here are some of the things we encourage white people to talk about in listening partnerships and groups, where they can get good listening and begin the process of building richer lives for themselves and their families, and a more just world for us all.

• What is great, and what feels difficult about your own heritage?
• What can you take pride in?
• What are your earliest experiences with people of color? Tell all the details you remember.
• When you think back to any early incidents during which you were a witness to racism, what did you want to be able to do or say? How would you have acted, had you not been afraid?
• Talk about the times you've interrupted white racism, or wanted to.
• Talk about the details of making friends and building good relationships with people of color in your present life. What's great about your friendships? What are you afraid of? Embarrassed about? Worried about?
• What will you do to act outside the confines of white racism?

For further information, we recommend the book Uprooting Racism: How White People Can Work for Racial Justice by Paul Kivel, New Society Press.

Embracing Transitions

by Patty Wipfler

I feel badly about this, but sometimes I hesitate to really get down and play with my daughter, because when I have to stop playing and tend to the baby, she gets so upset. How can I keep from hurting her feelings?

—a mother of a baby and a four-year-old

It’s healthy and often necessary for parents to say, “OK, now I need to fix dinner, so I need to stop playing with you now.” We have many tasks to juggle, and we often have to stop playing with our children, end their play with each other, or move them toward a new activity before they're ready to make a change. Some children are able to be pretty flexible with these transitions, and other children protest every single change that is directed by their parents. Wherever your child is on this continuum right now, there are a few ideas that may help you navigate transitions.

Children thrive on fun and connection

Our children clearly thrive on the moments when we are focused on them, and when their play is just the way they want it. I like to remind parents that when children say, “I don't want to stop,” it is good! It's great that your child is passionate about playing with you, or having things just the way he wants them. It is healthy for him to never want the fun to stop! He will likely have enough humdrum experiences later in his life. Now is the time for as much sparkle and connection as possible. Having fun makes children eager to learn and make good friends.

Children benefit from information

When you need to change an activity, it's important to talk with your child about it. It's never too early in a child's life to begin letting him know what's next. “In a couple of minutes, I'm going to start your bath, because it's getting close to bedtime” is information that is as helpful to a three-month-old as it is to a five-year-old.

Getting into the habit of offering information to a very young child helps a child feel respected. Information kindly given, together with a little time to help the information sink in, helps prevent some of the balking and power struggles that develop around transitions.

Children flourish with a tone of optimism

A tone that carries friendliness, optimism, and the understanding that there will be good times ahead makes it more likely that a transition will go well. Although no parent can pull this off all the time, having a tone of optimism can help children feel close enough to their parent to cooperate with a necessary transition, even if it wasn't their idea.

Instead of orders, offer warmth

“Lunchtime! Get in here right now, you two,” doesn't make a child want to come anywhere near his parent. “You two are having such a good time! Lunch is on the table, and after you eat, you can go back and play some more,” carries the kind of warmth that a barked command simply can't communicate.

Children gravitate toward the warmth of their parents, and will more easily gravitate toward you when you can think to welcome them to the next activity.

Sometimes, your child needs to protest

The untold story about transitions is that, as trying as it is for parents, children sometimes need to protest. They need to tell you how disappointed they feel. Getting upset helps children address and release their unhappy feelings, so that the feelings don't muddle their mood for the rest of the day.

Children’s protests are often messy and inconvenient, and they almost always come at difficult times for the parent. But they are worth listening to, because listening conveys the respect and warmth a child needs in order to connect with his parent again.

You don't need to change an expectation you have set, just because your child is protesting. What will help him is to have you understand how he feels, and listen to the feelings as they roll out. Often, transition time becomes tantrum time or crying time—the child is looking for an outlet for his built-up disappointments and frustrations.

Children’s need to let feelings out is as strong as their need for sleep.

Your child's protests will give you insights

Allowing a protest to roll into tears or tantrums will give you good insights into your child’s sense of his world. “It’s not fair! You always make me stop playing when I am having fun,” or “But I never get to play with Jenny—she likes Tony better than me,” are expressions of hurt that your child wants you to understand.

As his protest continues, simply listen. At some point, gently say something like, “I know I've stopped you three times already today. I'm sorry I have to stop you again,” or “I think Jenny will be glad to play with you tomorrow. You're one of her good friends.”

These reassurances won't stop you child’s protest. He can’t absorb them while he’s upset. But your reassurances do communicate your understanding and your caring, and when his cry or tantrum is over, the loving things you’ve said will finally reach his heart.

Children rebound after a good cry

One of the things grownups love about young children is that children expect every day to be fun, interesting, and full of goodness for them. These high expectations are part of children's genius. High expectations are also why their tantrums and other upsets are inevitable!

A good tantrum or a good cry allows a child to express his disappointment fully. When your child is done crying, he has no hard feelings. It's actually quite remarkable to see how fully a child rebounds after a good tantrum or cry. Although he didn't get what he said he wanted, he feels better, because your thoughtful attention and understanding filled his most basic needs.

Listening rebuilds the connection

If you can listen while your child expresses his whole upset, your listening will connect the two of you and help him feel loved. While he's crying, hold him and touch him gently, or stay close to him while a tantrum works its way through his system. You can gently remind him of the limit you're setting, “I love you and I am going to go fix dinner now.” If it's possible, start the transition process before you actually have to accomplish it, so you have time to offer your caring while your child is showing you how much he loves what he was doing, and how disappointed he feels to have to give it up.

Transitions are a real part of everyday life for all of us. We parents are taught to think that a child who is crying or having a tantrum is a child whose parents are not being thoughtful or are doing something wrong. But if it's a transition that started the crying, your child is telling you important things. He's got his heart wide open. You'll help him become a deeply empathetic person if you offer your love and your listening at these transition times that are so difficult for him.

Parents need resource for themselves

If you find yourself short of patience with your children during transitions, it will probably be useful to find a listener with whom you can exchange the courtesy of listening for half an hour or so. The stresses on parents are many, and when they start showing up over and over again, a parent doesn't have to wait for random good thing to happen to lift his spirits. Talking and sharing feelings with a good listener who will try to understand and care rather than issue advice or judgment, makes a surprising difference in parents' stress level and their ability to find good next steps to take to improve a situation.

Fathers Are Primary Parents!

by Patty Wipfler

Children love their Daddies! Your children love to hear your voice, to see you come in the door, to sit next to you at the table, and to play with you as long as you can possibly play.

One father I know told me that his fifteen-month-old climbed up on his and his wife's bed at six a.m. one morning, crawled over, peered in his face, and gently put her finger up his nostril! Your children want contact with you—all of you!

Dads get a raw deal, however. The pressure to earn a living often has a desperate thread woven through it: there's a sense that if you don't provide, dire things will happen to your family.

We live in a society in which the lack of any safety net for families translates to a "life and death" feeling around work issues for Dads. And when work is pursued in a worrisome way, exhaustion is not far behind. Long hours, worry, heavy expectations, an uncertain working environment, and the threat of poverty all make it harder to enjoy our children. It's also hard for Dads to think independently about themselves as Dads and as men. What do I want to do with my life? How do I really want to live? What's important to me?

Listening to other Dads talk about parenting and about what's important to them is a first step to climbing out of a heavy sense of obligation. Getting a chance to say what your highest hopes are for your relationship with your children and your partner can help lift a trudging spirit. And seeing how good other Dads are, how valiantly they struggle to be their best and to care deeply, lets Dads go easier on themselves.

One point that's important to clarify is that fathers are absolutely primary parents. Children want, need, and love their Daddies. Some children grow up without the benefit of a Dad, and they manage well, but you need to know that, whatever your parenting circumstance, your child wants you close.

Children often look like they favor their Moms, and that when the chips are down, it's Mom they want to stroke their forehead or kiss their hurt or listen to the tale of their hard day. But this is usually just the result of cultural circumstance: Mom is nearby more often when the chips are down, because in our culture, Dad usually spends more time at work.

In families in which the Dad stays home, the children gravitate to him in hard times, and it's the Mom who has to work to keep from living on the emotional outskirts of the family.

You don't have to remain on the emotional outskirts of your children's lives. What helps children grow close are simple things any Dad can do, if he has been clued in to the secret.

Your children love play, especially physical play

Your children will love it any time you get down on the floor and have a pillow fight, wrestle, be their horsy, or play hide and seek. If you are careful to always lose (maybe not by much, children love a good contest) and if you are careful not to overwhelm them with your strength in play, they will laugh and find all kinds of ways to "get" you. The more they laugh, the closer they'll feel to you. Joy and closeness are built through playtimes like these.

Your children want you to listen to their feelings, not to correct them

When children have played all-out, they feel safe enough to bring up heavy emotions. This is a golden opportunity. They’ll start a big cry over some minor issue: you said that play is over now, or you said they have to put their seat belt on, or they don't like what's being served for dinner. What you need to remember, in order to build closeness with your child, is that she wants you to listen while she cries!

Love her, touch her gently, say little, and stand by whatever limit you have set. She will get the bad feelings out and will notice that you offered your love even while she was feeling desperate or mad or sad. It's this kind of listening that helps children feel like you are on their side forever. This kind of listening gets your caring across at the most crucial time—when your child feels undone and vulnerable. All you have to do is to be kind and patient. Your child will show you more closeness and trust when she has finished her cry or her tantrum.

Your children want your life to be good

Working too hard and having no one to talk with about what matters to you will keep you remote from your child. Your child needs your presence more than the things money can buy. It’s OK to say no to the pressure to buy things your children want in order to spend more time with your family. They may cry and storm. If you offer your love, your child will come around, feel closer to you, and that insatiable “I want” will melt into “Let’s play” more often.

Go ahead and set limits that you think make sense, limits that allow your life to be good too.

You belong in the center of your family, close and warmly loved. And we all need to work together to see to it that fathers win more time, more peace of mind, and more connection to other parents, so that they can relax and enjoy the rich experience of nurturing children.

The War Against Parents: What We Can Do for America’s Beleaguered Moms and Dads, by Sylvia Ann Hewlett and Cornel West, contains an excellent chapter on the hardships for fathers in our present economic system and what can be done.